Enneagram in Relationships

Introduction ~ An article series on all Nine Personality Types

Type	Trpe Name	The Enneagram Type System
1	The Perfectionist
2	The Giver
3	The Performer
4	The Romantic
5	The Observer
6	The Loyal Skeptic
7	The Epicure
8	The Protector
9	The Mediator

In the world of the Enneagram, people are always asking me what type do you think I am, and then the very, next question is usually what type would I get along with? It’s not usually that simple. Since a person is a multi-faceted human being, their personality type like their sun sign, isn’t going to include all their many qualities. In the Enneagram system, along with the nine personality types, there are also the wings, and the subtypes that add even more dimensions to the types. Knowing your own personality type is the first step on the journey.

You can also schedule a private session with a counselor who has been trained to work with the Enneagram Personality Type System to help you discover your type. On my website at www.DonnaFisherJackson.com I have also written basic descriptions of all nine personality types to get you started.

In this article series, I am going to cover all nine types, and how they may express themselves in relationship with the other types. Helen Palmer, one of the well-known Enneagram experts has written a great book, The Enneagram in Love & Work where she explores the nine types in intimate and business relationships. As I explore the nine types in relationship, I will include some of Palmer’s insights along with my own from my counseling work with clients.

The gift from understanding the types of the different people in your life is that you can then begin to see what point of view they express in their lives. This also allows you to more effectively communicate with them when you understand where they are coming from. It sounds simple, but most people spend a lot of time trying to convince others of their point of view when the communication would flow so much easier if you tried to understand the other person’s point of view.

Hopefully, in this article series, I can give you some insight into your own personality type, and how you would interact with the other types. Since I began my last series of articles on the Enneagram with the Type One, I am going to reverse it, and begin with Type Nine known as the Mediator, the Peacemaker, and the Peaceful Mediator in the March issue of Iris Insights.

If you don’t know which type you may be, you now have a whole month to explore that, and discover which one you are, and then you’ll be ready to read all about the nine types in relationships. One of the greatest gifts of the Enneagram is that in knowing your type, you can then begin to lead a more conscious life as an individual, and in relationship with others.

Type Seven: The Epicure & The Enthusiast

Everyone probably knows a Type Seven. They certainly meet a lot of people with the variety of interests and activities that they enjoy experiencing. They may be challenging to pin down because they love to keep their options open. In one night, they may attend a book signing, a gallery opening and a musical performance at a local bar - all because they can’t bear to miss out on an event.

The Seven’s energy reminds me of the zodiac Sun sign of Gemini, and how they are so adept at having about 10 balls in the air at any given time. Gemini’s are also social like the Type Seven, and love to flit from one interest to another. They may not explore the interest deeply, but they love to just have a little taste of the experience. The Sevens also seem to have that same desire to step up to the smorgasbord of life, and sample a little of each offering.

How does the Seven experience relationships? They are the upbeat and fun partner. They are independent and self-motivated to pursue their own interests. Their priorities can change at a moment’s notice. If they get bored with an activity, they just move on. In relationships, if it gets too difficult and “messy”, they may just move onto the next more pleasurable partner.

One of the biggest challenges in being in relationship with a Seven is that they have trouble dealing with “negative” emotions such as anger and sadness. When a partner insists on talking about a challenging problem, the Seven can feel like they are being forced to deal with something unpleasant. Instantly, their mind moves forward onto something more pleasant. If they can’t get away from the problem, they can feel like they’re fighting for their life. They can feel like they’re being limited. Of course, the “evolved” Seven learns how to sit with those more challenging emotions and problems, but that does take a certain amount of maturity to reach that point in life.

Sevens become very aware of the limitations of relationship when they are asked for a commitment. They may choose to live in a committed relationship for years, but they may not feel entirely comfortable with the concept. They can still see the long-term relationship as a “process” and a continuing adventure.

The descriptions below reveal how the Seven can express themselves in relationship with the other types:

Type Seven with Type One: The Perfectionist

Sevens admire the One for being so disciplined, dedicated to their principles and their ability to follow through on what they believe. Ones are more practical and work towards their goals with a lot of concentration which can help the Seven ground their scattered thinking.

Ones are also attracted to the Seven for their spontaneity and freshness that they can bring to a relationship. Sevens can be a lot of fun to live with, and enliven a household. The One may also see a Seven as flakey in the way they move from one interest to another.

A successful relationship with the Seven and One can include a combination of their positive skills. Because Ones want precision and Sevens want options, the two together can create adventures that are functional, and not just pies in the sky. The couple can also follow their own paths in relationship as far as interests and activity, and only come together on some issues and events revolving around the family.

Type Seven with Type Two: The Giver

This couple can be a classic “fun” couple. Givers love to help their partners manifest their dreams, and will share in the enthusiasm that Epicures bring to a relationship. The Seven’s vision is often the focus of the couple’s emotional life. Both can envision a future filled with hope and promise. The Two can focus on the Seven’s potential talents, but the Two will also sense the hidden pain of the Seven. They are doubly fascinated by the Seven’s sunny personality and the dissatisfaction that they hide so well from others. Givers may feel inspired to help Epicures become productive people as well as help them heal underlying fears. In return, the Twos receive adventure and attention because the Seven can be so charming as playmates.

The charm of the Seven and the seduction of the Two can make for an attractive pair. Both can enjoy a wide variety of activities. Given enough freedom, the Seven can handle the “C” word, and make a commitment where they don’t feel limited.

Type Seven with Type Three: The Performer

This is a great energy match that can produce a life of successful adventures especially when the couple shares the same interests. Three’s desire for goals can be well-matched with the Seven’s ability to keep the options open. This couple may not spend a lot of time together with all their goals and activities unless they can find some mutual interests.

Both people can overrate the fun parts of the relationship and gloss over the missing pieces. For both types, it’s not that interesting to focus on money matters and disciplining children when you’d rather dream about tomorrow and other future plans. Both people can also hide behind their public images; and when those images are questioned, the Three can disappear by changing their image and telling partial truths while the Seven disappears by switching options and rationalizing changes. It’s almost like there is an unconscious conspiracy to allow each other to do their own thing rather than coming together as allies in their personal growth. If a Seven/Three couple can move towards more honest communication with one another, they are known to describe their long-term relationship as “productive fun.”

Type Seven with Type Four: The Romantic

This couple is one of the Enneagram’s attraction of the opposites in a relationship. Fours experience the world through feelings while Sevens are primarily mental. Each has gifts to share of the heart and the mind that can create a true union of the opposites or a feeling of alienation.

Fours feel special, and Sevens feel entitled so they can therefore support each other’s unique talents or they can have unrealistic expectations for what their union can create. Oddly an Epicure’s emotional unavailability can fit well with the Romantic’s longing for missing pieces. There’s energy in the challenge of pursuing what is missing. Both types like intensity while the Seven focuses on the event, and the Four focuses on the Seven.

The natural optimism that Epicures bring to a relationship can be a deterrent to the Four’s propensity for melancholy. Sevens are not easily influenced by the Four’s push-pull Romantic pattern, and Fours actually respect a partner who can stand their ground in the midst of their drama. The biggest challenge can be the Seven’s intolerance of “negative” emotions while the Four can go deep in this area.

Type Seven with Type Five: The Observer

Epicures “eat” experience, and love to travel, take classes, and work on several projects at once. On the other hand, Fives spend their time and energy carefully. Some Seven/Five couples find themselves “doing their own thing” because Fives love to have time by themselves to pursue their quest for knowledge and inner exploration while the Sevens need to be out and about experiencing life in its many forms. Sevens find things to do that the Fives can enjoy vicariously without having to leave their home.

Fives can admire the social ease of the Seven, and Sevens can feel a sense of peace being around the Five’s more introverted presence. As long as they can stay in touch from time to time, they are not likely to interfere with the other’s activities. Their intimacy as a couple can be expressed through a common vision or in their commitment to their children. These two types can learn a great deal from one another if they are able to appreciate the gifts of the other.

Type Seven with Type Six: The Loyal Skeptic

The Six and Seven both experience anxiety and fear, but in different ways. The Six can be overly tentative and cautious in comparison with the Seven’s breezy approach to connecting with people. Sevens diffuse their fears through having a lot of back-up plans; and may unconsciously depend on the Six to express their underlying paranoia.

An Epicure can dismiss the Loyal Skeptic’s concerns as figments of their imagination, but when the Loyal Skeptic is told to lighten up, they can become more deeply afraid. The two types can hold opposite impressions of relationship: Sevens see unlimited possibilities while Sixes can feel bound by duty and hard work. A certain amount of reality testing is needed in this relationship. When one partner sees the best, and the other sees the worst, they can often meet in the middle and find a more realistic view.

The Double Seven: The Double Epicures

When Epicures list what they would like in a partner, they often pick the same features that they see in themselves - “energetic, independent, optimistic, playful, and successful.” It would seem that they want a mirror image companion. It’s probably why Sevens often join up as playmates and confidants, but they rarely commit to a lasting relationship. It would seem that relating to an idealized view of yourself may not produce the depth or substance or worthy opposition that leads to an enduring commitment.

The Double Sevens can appear to be on an everlasting high of fun and adventure, but underneath, there can be a lot of hidden challenges that are not addressed. For the Seven, “boredom” can be one of the most terrifying places to be. They can have a fear of losing the whole world for just this one person. Commitment to one another is their biggest challenge, but if they can agree to stay together through those “boring” times, then they can entertain the full cycle of life from pleasure to sorrow, and from joy to pain.

Type Seven with the Type Eight: The Protector

Some of the relationship challenges of this match are around the Seven’s issues with commitment. When the “C” word comes up, the Seven can become greatly stressed by the idea and resort to critical behavior. The Eight may then stir up a fight to enliven the relationship, and Sevens see anger as another step towards increasing commitment. The Seven is used to leaving a relationship when it gets challenging. On the other hand, Eights, under stress can withdraw to think and heal their wounds. The Seven and Eight can appreciate the other’s need for alone time, but then they may miss out on the important emotional insights that come from sitting down and talking about the problem. This shared tendency of the Seven and Eight can mean they detach rather than deal with the difficulty. This cycle of denial that there’s a problem can continue until it arises once again. They can learn to resolve their differences when they are able to sit down and work them out, and perhaps counseling is their best option for this to happen. For more of the higher expressions of this couple, refer to the article below on the Type Eight.

Type Seven with the Type Nine: The Mediator

Some of the relationship challenges of this match center around how Epicures can avoid choosing by moving so fast. The Buddhists would call their mindset, “monkey mind” because attention shifts rapidly from one thing to another in order to satisfy their desire to experience all aspects of life. Sevens need to learn to limit themselves and to focus on what is possible in the relationship. Nines on the other hand can get obsessively attached to a single course of action. They can avoid choice by going over and over this one plan without actually choosing it, and moving forward. Nines need to learn to work toward what is essential in their relationships without getting distracted.

Sevens also tend to be more focused on what interests them while Nines typically merge with a partner often losing their own agenda in the process. The result is obvious: Mediators focus on Epicures, and Epicures focus on themselves. It is for this reason that Sevens introduce new perspectives to the relationship providing a Nine with more choices than that one single course of action. For more of the higher expressions of this couple, refer to the article below on the Type Nine.

You can also schedule a private session with a counselor who has been trained to work with the Enneagram Personality Type System to help you discover your type. On my website at www.DonnaFisherJackson.com. I have also written basic descriptions of all nine personality types to get you started.

Thanks to Helen Palmer for her insights from her book, The Enneagram in Love & Work.
By Donna Fisher-Jackson, M.A. © 2012

Please feel free to copy this news article, and to share it with others for Free. I just ask that you keep my name at the bottom of the article, and include this line of text: Donna Fisher-Jackson, M.A., CHT is a Holistic Counselor, Certified Hypnotherapist, and Western Astrologer who counsels clients through her business of Iris Holistic Counseling Services at www.DonnaFisherJackson.com. She has also published the book, The Healing Path of the Romantic: Type Four of the Enneagram Personality Type System which is available in a print and Kindle edition on Amazon.com.

Type Eight: The Protector & The Challenger

In this month of April with the Sun in the zodiac sign of Aries, it feels like the perfect time to write about the Type Eight who is a lot like an Aries. Aries are known trail blazers and risk takers with a huge appetite for life, and you could also say the same about the Type Eight known as the Boss, Challenger, and Protector.

Relationships can be a challenging area for an Eight who likes to be in control as well as enjoys their personal freedom. They can find intimate relationships to be a little too confining for their tastes. Being a gut-based type, they feel and act for their own interests often without considering the consequences. They just believe that it’s best to look out for your own needs. Isn’t that what everyone else does?

Eights can feel invigorated by a relationship that includes conflict, adventure and sex, but they are often inexperienced in the softer feelings. When they do feel safe in a relationship, then they can let their guard down, and reveal a more vulnerable side, but it can also quickly disappear if they feel threatened in any way. They often view compromise, and revealing a softer side as a sign of weakness.

Relating to an Eight is usually going to include some confrontation. They like to test people’s limits, and see conflict as a test of power. They are overly concerned with justice and the fair use of power in general. Eights feel supported by those who stick to their own version of the truth, who hold their ground under fire, who deal fairly, and who model the right use of power when necessary in service to others.

Eights are fierce protectors of those they love, and can be very generous with their time and conversation with their family and friends. They are also high energy, and wonder why others can’t keep up with their huge appetite for life.

The descriptions below reveal how the Eight can express themselves in relationship with the other types:

Type Eight with Type One: The Perfectionist
This combination could be considered one of the Enneagram opposites. Both are anger types who are known for their black or white thinking, and a need to be right. At first, Ones may be strongly attracted to the force and sexuality of the Eight along with their love of freedom; and the Eights drawn to the discipline and strong sense of ethics of the One who looks so truthful in the eyes of the lawless Eight; but eventually strong feelings of anger can begin to simmer below the surface. The One isn’t comfortable expressing their anger directly, and the Eight enjoys the excitement of confrontation. They can quickly become polarized in a disagreement. If they can move past their challenges, the combination of the Ones’ discipline with the Eights’ high energy has the potential of focused power.

Type Eight with Type Two: The Giver
The desire to be central in a partner’s life is familiar to both of these types. Both want attention, but their way of getting attention is quite different. Givers move towards others wanting to please them while Protectors insist that their own needs be met first. Physical love is important to both because Eights are sexually expressive while Twos often equate sex with love. The focus of the couple will be on the Eight’s agenda, but the Two can take satisfaction in making the Eight’s wishes come true. The challenge for the long-term relationship will be that the Protectors’ needs are always being met while the Givers’ needs go underground, and may never fully surface in the relationship. In return for the help of the Two, the Eight offers protection and strong leadership.

Type Eight with Type Three: The Performer
Both types like to be the active partner in a relationship. Eights want to protect others, and Threes want to provide for those they love. Eights like to be in control and deny their softer feelings while Threes work hard to numb what they feel. In times of adversity, the couple can finally learn to lean on one another for support. They can be the confidants of each other. Confident and secure, they are likely to be successful together. Threes do need to show appreciation for all that the Eights do instead of taking all the credit. This couple can definitely join in taking action, but they need to learn more about the areas of feelings and just being together.

Type Eight with Type Four: The Romantic
This can be a partnership of intensity acted out by fight, flight, fascination and flair. Each can be in awe of the other. Protectors can see themselves as coarse and blunt in comparison to the more refined and socially adept Romantic. On the other hand, the Four can be magnetized by the Eight’s direct emotional stance as being in touch with their “authentic” feelings. Eights don’t waste a lot of time worrying about what others think, and that can be very refreshing to a Four who can hide behind a glamorous image at times. Fours can demand a wide range of feelings from a partner, and Eights enjoy matching strong energies. They appreciate each other’s desire to push the limits. The couple can also help each other in projects that they share together. A Protector is good at making other people’s projects happen, and in return can benefit greatly from witnessing the Romantic’s complex inner life. Between Four’s emotional range and Eight’s practical stability, the couple can stay interested in each other for a long time.

Type Eight with Type Five: The Observer
The Protector is the Enneagram’s most assertive type, and the Observer is definitely the most withdrawn type. The Eights always want more out of life, and the Fives enjoy having simple needs. Eights look to the world for adventure, and Fives retreat to have privacy and much-needed alone time. In spite of these differences, these two types are often found together in a couple, and balance each other. Over time, they begin to even resemble one another with the Eight becoming tamer, and the Five more assertive. Both types value their personal autonomy, and know what they like and don’t like. They are not likely to get enmeshed in a partner’s agenda. With this shared feeling of independence, they also feel free to speak honestly and openly with one another. In a positive relationship between these two types, the Observer can learn how to spring into action, and the Protector can learn patience in waiting for the right moment.

Type Eight with Type Six: The Loyal Skeptic
In the dating phase, Eights can be very direct in their pursuit of another which can alleviate some of the fear and doubts of a Six. Eights feel secure in taking charge and offering protection which matches the insecurities of the Six quite well. Eights are confident and comfortable with their sexuality which can be liberating to Sixes who can contract and often feel guilty about seeking out pleasure. Both types expect adversity in life, and can stand together through difficult times. A perfect example would be the larger than life Eight relying on the advice of the more mental and strategic Six. Equipped with helpful counsel, Eights can move mountains for those they love. Eights value loyalty and Sixes are without question the most loyal of all the types. The couple does have its set of challenges which usually surface when the Six feels pushed by the Eight’s need for action. The Eight can grow impatient with the Six’s reluctance to make a move, and the Six can feel bullied by the Eight’s actions. Learning how to work out their differences can certainly make or break this couple.

Type Eight with Type Seven: The Epicure
This couple has a promising match for creative entertainment, good sex and adventure. Both types like to play hard and live their lives guilt-free. They are accountable only to themselves, and can’t stand the word “should.” Independence can be a mutually shared goal. A Protector likes to make and break the rules while an Epicure sees dogma as the end of living. An unspoken agreement can come about allowing each other the time and space to follow their personal interests without offending one another. A power struggle can develop when the Eight tries to limit some of the Seven’s ever-growing list of activities. The pattern can reveal itself with the Protector trying to control the schedule, and the Epicure making excuses. Eights like to take control when they feel threatened and Sevens can be very hard to pin down, always leaving their options open. The couple can withdraw from each other to heal, but they can also miss out on the emotional insight that can come from talking about an on-going issue.

The Double Eight: The Double Protectors
Together, Eights enjoy an active lifestyle. They like to be able to fully express themselves, and who better to do that with than another Eight. There’s no need to hold anything back. They like to argue because it’s high-intensity contact, and discharging all that energy feels pleasurable to them. Eights can engage their energy in argument, but may not be that invested in the outcome. It can have less to do with winning than to stir up some energy to feel vibrant and alive. Double Eights understand that fights can be a way to get close to one another. For them, anger doesn’t always mean that your feelings are hurt, or that you’re breaking up because you’re not speaking to one another. The Double Eight romance includes a good measure of anger and sexuality. The couple can also agree to allow one of the partners to be the Protector while the other plays a more supportive role in the household. Eights in love can look very different from the aggressive yang type that shows up in the office.

Type Eight with Type Nine: The Mediator
This couple can have an attraction to creature comforts. The couple can settle into a domestic routine where they match one another’s energy levels. On the high side, they can make a good home together, and are generous with one another, and with friends. On the low side, their shared passions for comfort can drain time and energy. Eights like to control resources, and Nines have a strong appetite for ease. If they get too much in the comfort zone, then either type can be prone to not-giving and not-doing. Decisions can then be made by default with the energy shifting into a holding pattern where little is accomplished. For more of the higher expressions of this couple, refer to the article below on the Type Nine.

If you are just beginning to explore the Enneagram, I would suggest that you first gain a broad understanding of all nine types, and then as you determine your own personality type, then you can begin to imagine what types your family and friends may be. The best way to discover your type is to take one of the on-line tests at the following websites: www.enneagramworldwide.com, www.enneagraminstitute.com and www.enneagram.net
You can also schedule a private session with a counselor who has been trained to work with the Enneagram Personality Type System to help you discover your type. On my website at www.DonnaFisherJackson.com I have also written basic descriptions of all nine personality types to get you started.

Thanks to Helen Palmer for her insights from her book, The Enneagram in Love & Work.

Please feel free to copy this news article, and to share it with others for Free. I just ask that you keep my name at the bottom of the article, and include this line of text: Donna Fisher-Jackson, M.A., CHT is a Holistic Counselor, Certified Hypnotherapist, and Western Astrologer who counsels clients through her business of Iris Holistic Counseling Services at www.DonnaFisherJackson.com She has also published the book, The Healing Path of the Romantic: Type Four of the Enneagram Personality Type System which is available in a print and Kindle edition on Amazon.com.

Type Nine: The Mediator & The Peacemaker

The Type Nine of the Enneagram personality type system is a good place to begin when you’re talking about relationships. Because a Nine can feel like they are in relationship with everyone they meet. They can so easily merge and feel what the other person is experiencing. In a personal relationship, they can often see the value in the other person’s position more easily than their own. For them, it can also feel more comfortable to go along with what others want than to confront them. In this way, they can avoid conflict, and won’t have to express anger.

Once a Nine merges with another in an intimate relationship, it is very challenging for them to separate. Their relationships can continue for years beyond a natural ending point. Nines can find it hard to give up memories of old relationships which can keep them from seeking out new ones.

Nines can retreat into daily habits and trivial tasks rather than fully engaging in the relationship. Their energy can focus on the practical concerns of relationship such as paying the bills, fixing the bathroom, etc. As the partner of a Nine, you can be the one that takes on the active role for change. The Nine will tell you what you want to hear, but that doesn’t mean that they agree with you. They’re just often avoiding a disagreement.

Nines can spend time dreaming about an ideal partner who will create a new life for them while on the flip side, if things don’t work out in that “new” life then they can blame the person for what went wrong.

One of their relationship goals could be to set better boundaries with others. When they are able to do this, then their relationships can deepen without the loss of their own personal identity.

In relationships, Nines grow by staying present, setting their own individual goals and following through on them. They are helped by partners who encourage them to have their own goals, and who value what they believe in, and remind them to pay attention to themselves.
The descriptions below reveal how the Nine can express themselves in relationship with the other types:

Type Nine with Type One: The Perfectionist & The Reformer
Nines and Ones have many traits in common so they can look alike. They are both anger types that repress their feelings of anger, and they can also become obsessive such as taking a long time to make a decision. Nines see a decision from many different angles while the Ones worry about making the wrong choice. Unless the couple can keep in mind their individual and couple goals, then it can take a long time for them to make important decisions. Ones can become so focused on the details while Nines wait for someone else to initiate a change. This couple wants life to be peaceful and comfortable. Both like the security of creating a home, and having a stable routine. Nines are often agreeable, and this can reduce the anxiety of the Ones in having to always be right. In return, Nines find a sense of order in the world of the One.

Type Nine with Type Two: The Giver &The Helper
This partnership is a common one in marriage. Both types can merge with others, take on the feelings of others, and can be focused on fulfilling the needs of others. Nines need a reason for living which can be found through having a mate while Twos want to find their identity through helping others. Givers want to help Nines find purpose in their lives. They can also communicate with one another at a non-verbal level. Twos may be attracted to the gentle and caring sides of a Nine. Nines enjoy affection which allows the Two to be as affectionate as they wish. Both types can use sex to have a deeper connection; and often for the Two, sexual attention can equal love.

Type Nine with Type Three: The Performer &The Achiever
Threes like to impress their partners while Nines tend to merge with other people’s ideas. This pattern of attraction encourages the Three to create an image that captures a Nine’s heart. Pleased by the attention, a Nine will then feel drawn to support the Three’s plan of action for the relationship. Seeking their own personal life goal, the Nine can often become animated by a more active partner’s agenda. Nines can often get caught up in the other person’s interests, sometimes for years. Nines can gain security by merging with the image and identity that a partner provides. If they feel that the Three’s goals are a reflection of their own inner needs, then a productive partnership can be created, driven by the Three, and shared by the Nine.

Type Nine with Type Four: The Romantic & The Individualist
Fours can envision a time of being “awakened through love” while Nines seek vitality and an agenda from a partner. During the best of times, they can love one another without expectations or blame. But at a low point in the relationship, they could expect the impossible: The Romantic seeking permanent emotional satisfaction, and the Mediator seeking to be handed a life to live. In the early stages of love, the Four can feel accepted with all their flaws while the Nine’s constant presence helps them live without a fear of abandonment. Nines can be very tolerant of others, but they also want unconditional acceptance. When the Fours start to see what is “missing” in the relationship, the Nines will feel like they are being blamed for what’s wrong. It is in the best interest of this couple to also have their own interests, and personal goals in life.

Type Nine with Type Five: The Observer & The Investigator
This couple can have an appreciation for nonverbal communication because both value being understood without having to verbally discuss everything. Shared activities help this couple come together. Since both express their love in nonverbal ways, they can experience their emotional well-being when they are doing something together like going for a walk, or household shopping. Nines can take on the feeling of those close to them so the Five’s non-verbal expressions can become an object of scrutiny for the Nine. The Five’s needs can become the centerpiece of the Nine. Fives have trouble with emotional dependency, and can be aloof if a mate has too many expectations of them. Both partners are more comfortable when attention is deflected from themselves and towards others. Fives like to counsel their partners, and Nines can take on another’s life as their own. This is a couple that can give each other plenty of space.

Type Nine with Type Six: The Loyal Skeptic & The Loyalist
Nines usually have a calm reassuring presence. It can be like coming home after a hard day at work to a place where you can unwind, and be accepted. The Nine can be a comforter to the Six who can carry more of the fear in the relationship. The Sixes’ challenge between commitment and doubt can be familiar to the Nine who also has trouble choosing a course of action. Both partners can have trouble taking action, and can find it easier to act in the name of another. With this dynamic, this can be either a partnership of mutual support or a continuing battle for who goes first. It’s going to be most important for each person to define their own personal goals rather than expect the other to lead. Nines can merge with a partner’s point of view, and Sixes can be loyal supporters, but then who is the one that takes the initiative? That is where having your own individual goals can be helpful.

Type Nine with a Type Seven: The Epicure & The Enthusiast
Sevens are highly experimental, and like to keep up with events, and new ideas. They can enliven a family with all their interests and activities. They can also draw a Nine out of their familiar habits. The partners can share a grand worldview. Sevens organize their life to include all kinds of options, and a lot of their optimism comes from looking forward to tomorrow’s plans. Nines are also big picture thinkers including different points of view. The couple’s vision often produces wide-ranging activities, different groups of friends and a willingness to let the children express their unique selves. The challenge with this couple is that there can be too many options, and it can take a long time to make a final decision while they check out all the options. They also tend to avoid conflict, and may simply ignore the harder questions of life.

Type Nine with a Type Eight: The Protector & The Challenger
These two types can open each other’s eyes to a different style of relating. Eights can push through obstacles while Nines try to forget them. It can be enlightening when an Eight learns how to defer to another, and it can be equally educational when a Nine witnesses the positive effects of expressing anger. This relationship unites the energies of impulse and inertia which will either cancel each other out, or produce their own unique blend. Eights bring an excitement to a relationship that sparks a partner’s own energy. In return, Nines learn how to weather emotional storms by living with an Eight.

Type Nine with their own kind, another Nine
A double Nine couple gives the appearance of being merged together. They can have a similar way of communicating, and look like a settled couple with few conflicts. It’s a live-and-let-live way of being. There is a willingness to accept each other unconditionally without forcing change along with a mutual desire to stay comfortable. Problems with initiating priorities are magnified with a Double Nine couple. The options all begin to seem similar, and there’s a crosscurrent of conflicting needs. Merged in their mutual desire to avoid conflict, the partners can collude in not-doing as they build a peaceful lifestyle that will keep distress away, but this also requires a lot of energy. The low side of this relationship is an enmeshment in routine interests and tasks that keep the status quo. The high side of the Double Nines shows a couple in unified, nonverbal accord. They are supportive of each other, but also respect the other for having their own life purpose, and be willing to stand up for that purpose.

If you are just beginning to explore the Enneagram, I would suggest that you first gain a broad understanding of all nine types, and then as you determine your own personality type, then you can begin to imagine what types your family and friends may be. The best way to discover your type is to take one of the on-line tests at the following websites: www.enneagramworldwide.com www.enneagraminstitute.com and www.enneagram.net
You can also schedule a private session with a counselor who has been trained to work with the Enneagram Personality Type System to help you discover your type. On my website at www.DonnaFisherJackson.com I have also written basic descriptions of all nine personality types to get you started.

Thanks to Helen Palmer for her insights from her book, The Enneagram in Love & Work.

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Donna Fisher-Jackson, M.A., CHT is a Holistic Counselor, Certified Hypnotherapist, and Western Astrologer who counsels clients through her business of Iris Holistic Counseling Services at www.DonnaFisherJackson.com She has also published the book, The Healing Path of the Romantic: Type Four of the Enneagram Personality Type System which is available in a print and Kindle edition on Amazon.com.